I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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