seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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