Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
