Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
