why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
