did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
