I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
