i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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