Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
