i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
