I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
