you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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