I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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