I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
