Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
