rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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