I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
