just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
