I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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