guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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