Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
