I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
