maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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