Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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