I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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