if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
