So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
