if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
