i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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