I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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