i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
