the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
