ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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