i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
