Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
