You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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