goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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