Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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