I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
