Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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