You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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