My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I need to calm my uterus...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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