Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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