i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
