Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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