This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
