I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
