I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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