I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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