Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
