Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
