Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
